How far I've come

"I think you turn, turn the clock, but I don't really know

And I can't remember caring for an hour or so

Started crying and I couldn't stop myself

I started running but there was nowhere to run to..."

-Matchbox Twenty.

Four years ago (about), my life changed.

I was just barly sixteen, starting my Junior Year of high school, living at home with my parents. I was a Martial Artist by day and a partier by night.. My parents were in the middle of their biggest fight ever. It was summer of 2008, and my life was drawing closer to a close before it had even begun.

I always considered myself to be 'above the normal teenage crowd,' but truthfully, I wasn't. Let me explain. 90% of the kids at school all went to raves, smoked crack/E/etc. and all I did was drink and smoke (nothing major so 'I was better than the rest' in my mind. This summer was the hardest summer of my life. My parents constantly fought and I felt like I was always dragged into the middle and everything was blamed on me. I literally could not handle it. So what was the example I had in my home for then things got hard? Smoke till your so high that you just don't care anymore, or drink till you pass out or fall asleep. Not joking. And the worst part is? I didn't rise to the name of 'big sister' by doing this.. all I did was set the wrong example for my brother.. who now, four years later, is still walking down the path that I once did and is only getting worse.... and he's turning seventeen this Saturday..

I remember night after night, I would call my friends, who had just graduated that June, and begged them to come pick me up, and I would disappear for a day or two. I'd just do whatever I wanted, with my friends, and life felt amazing. Why? I can't remember 95% of those times I was with them...

So fast forward to August of 2008. After I came home from spending a few days in Disneyland for my birthday, like I do every year, I went out with one of my best friends to this guys house that she was kind of dating.. Lets just say this. We were drinking, we got there at 8pm, I remember sitting at the kitchen table, driving to my friends house, her and I both crying hysterically on her moms bed while she gave us sprite and saltine crackers, and watching Sesame Street at three in the morning. I chose right then and there to never drink or smoke another day in my life. But something still was missing.. something still was wrong.. and I knew that I was not being the person I was supposed to be... but who was I supposed to be?

A few weeks later, Jayson and I started dating. He asked me to come to a missionary lesson. And this day, changed my life for good, and that void I had been missing finally was being filled. I finally had an answer. I don't remember anything from the lesson, other than this. I was staring into a small pamphlet, with a picture of this white building with a gold figurine on top, over looking Los Angeles, California (which was thirty minutes away from where I used to live) and all I remember is my vision becoming super blurry from the massive amounts of tears that were streaming down my face...and I didn't know why. The missionaries look at me with blank expressions and asked me what I was thinking. Jayson later told me that I said said something about seeing a room, with a picture of Christ being baptized, benches on the side, and a giant pool/tub thing..with sculpted cows underneath. But I didn't understand why that had made me cry. The missionaries asked me if I saw or remembered anything else and I said that I had seen Jayson standing there in white, waiting for me.

After the lesson, I was asked to say the closing prayer. That was the first time I had ever prayed before. And I just remember trying so hard to fight back all of the tears, and I swear I spoke for almost twenty minutes... but I had my answer, my answer about me..

I needed that lesson. I needed to have that 'dream/vision' of the Baptismal Font and seeing Jayson there waiting for me. I needed to feel that unconditional love from my Heavenly Father. I needed to know that I was not a lost cause. I needed to feel that I had the power to change my life. I needed to feel and know, that I am a daughter of God...

Not only is August 1st my 20th birthday, but it is also my two year baptism anniversary. While I have been attending church for the past four years and have been an official member for two, I can honestly say that the decision I made to go to church saved my life.. But over the four years, I haven't been as valiant as I should be. I completely fail at saying prayers twice a day, and saying them out loud. I still haven't read the Bible from start to finish, nor have I read The Book of Mormon more than once all the way through from start to finish. I still have so much room to grow... but I literally would be lost without this gospel..

A few nights ago, as I was laying in bed, I had this overwhelming urge to cry. I fought the tears as hard as I could, mostly because Jayson was in the other room and I didn't want to worry him cause honestly, I didn't even understand why I was crying. And then.... this song was playing in my head:

I've come so far.
But I also have come too close to giving up..

Don't ever give up.